I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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