Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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