I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
