Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
