allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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