The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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