Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she pinky promised me she was 18
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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