I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
