I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
