Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
