yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
