it was like his penis was on wheels.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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