you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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