I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
