Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
