70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
