I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
