He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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