quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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