It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
