Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
