Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
