Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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