My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
