2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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