Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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