My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
