it hurts more in the daytime
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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