You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
