if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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