I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
