Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
