God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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