This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
