i barfeds in our rink
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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