Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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