im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
