You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
