walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
