I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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