even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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