I'm so fucking centered right now
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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