he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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