I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
