You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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