I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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