matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
