It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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