Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.