Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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