In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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