If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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