i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
