2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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