i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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