I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
