You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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