I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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